Monday, August 15, 2011

Imagine if....

For some reason I like to start sentences like that and then finish off with something more exaggerated than I'm currently experiencing.  Imagine if.....I ate like this all the time.....I had 5 babies in here....Maggie and Ginger could talk.....we lived in Alaska.  Sometimes this is in my head and sometimes it is out loud.  It makes for thrilling conversation.  

So my latest internal monologue - Imagine if Jack had my personality.  The answer?  We would be in big trouble because he would not tolerate the inhumane sleeping conditions I've created.   Jack is a phenomenal sleeper.  He can sleep anywhere, anytime, and through most anything.  Nothing keeps him up at night - not worries, not work stress.  The only time I've seen him too excited to sleep is before a football game.  I, on the other hand, am the opposite.  Add some pregnancy factors to that and it is almost comical.  Almost.

Let me take you through a typical night.

10 pm - get in bed.  To set the stage, I have taken all pillows from all beds in the house and am using them as part of my setup.  If you are coming to stay with us soon, better bring your own pillows.  I have 7 and I quickly notice if one of them is missing or Jack accidentally added to his one.  The head of the bed is also elevated on books (I knew those law books would come in handy) to help the heartburn.
10-11 pm:  read my book, watch the news, and ask Jack questions.  Did you lock the doors?  Did you turn the air down to negative 50 degrees?  Oh crap, will you get me my ipad out of the den?  Will you get me a little more water?  Will you rub my neck?   Where did you put the remote (followed by insisting that I don't have it, followed by finding it under one of my pillows)?  Go to the bathroom at least 4 times in this hour.

11 pm - 2 am - Sleep on and off.  Get up and go to the bathroom at least every hour.  Getting up requires turning to the right, moving the pillows, pushing up with my arms usually accompanied by an "ughhhhh" as a result of my effort.  Turn from my right side to my left side and vice-versa every 30 minutes and readjust all the pillows every time.  Usually the effort of turning over results in another groan or heavy sigh, along with a dramatic body slam down onto the bed.

2 am - 3 am - Can't go back to sleep after the last bathroom break.  All of the above still occurs, but on a more frequent and more exaggerated basis. 

3 am - 5 am - Give up and turn the TV on to try to catch a movie or something other than an infomercial.  Like Greenberg starring Ben Stiller (not recommended).  Eat a snack - usually Golden Grahams or Chex Mix, both of which I keep by the bed.

5 am - 7 am - Repeat of 11-2 if I'm lucky.  If I'm not lucky, at 6 start complaining about how I can't sleep late and how my arms and legs are numb and tingly and I can't feel my hands and feet.  Ask Jack what time he is waking up.

After ALL that, I ask Jack "How did you sleep?".  His answer "Great!".  Every. time. 

Go back to that "Imagine if Jack had my personality" and the answer would be more like "Are you kidding?  How could I &$%& sleep when you are making so much noise, getting up 50 times, moving the bed all around, eating, turning the tv on, turning lights on, and talking to me?  And now I have to go to work tired, blah, blah, blah."

The lesson in all of this is that when Jack doesn't do something right when I ask him to because he is taking his sweet-ass time, I should remember that laid back personality is what allows us to still have a lovely, functioning relationship.  I have a feeling it is what will make him an excellent dad to three girls, too.


  1. testing, testing.

  2. Um.. thats how my bed looks like usually, minus the books under the bed.

  3. I am laughing so hard I am crying!!!

  4. Love your humor, Sage. What fabulous writing! And you're absolutely right about your sweet hubby -- he'll be a wonderful dad to those three girls, just as you'll be a wonderful mom. I can't wait to meet Anna, Irene, and Brooks!